How often do we wake up, look at ourselves, and realize that we are living a life that isn’t ours? Hopefully this isn’t your case, but Unfortunately, this is what happened to me. When this happens it is time to transform.
I have two poles in my character that often battle. One is where I am fiercely independent and strive to be completely self-reliant and self-driven. The other half is a social people pleaser striving to help everyone around me feel comfortable and get along, often at my own expense. This has created a sense of inner turmoil many times in my life that makes it really hard to find any sort of balanced peace.
On the one hand, people around me are generally happy and I can accomplish quite a bit by myself, but on the other side I, often find myself going at things solo or finding myself quite miserable because I gave everything up to make other people happy.
What I realized recently is that this whole picture is fundamentally flawed for many reasons including the following:
- I cannot please anyone else.
- I cannot make anyone else happy.
- When I give up my own thoughts and feelings to please another I am doing them a disservice.
- Trying to please others for the sake of my own comfort is selfish.
What did I do to fix this?
Feeling utterly miserable and trying to ignore how I felt about it was no fun. On many levels I wanted my life to change and I wanted to feel better, and more real, but I didn’t know where to start. That is when I happened upon a transformational conference in San Diego where a particular speaker hit me hard with a lesson that completely changed my life.
In his talk, he spoke about how we needed to follow the decisions that make us feel lighter. When we are trying to choose a path or make a decision we should, in a sense, try that decision on and see if we feel heavier and more weighed down or if we felt lighter. This way we could leverage the subconscious senses to see if our whole self agreed with the decisions we were making.
This made perfect sense to me! It struck me so hard I wanted to learn more. The biggest thing that helped him transform his life, he said, was when he looked at his life and realized he wasn’t in it. He had created a false life of what he thought he was supposed to be, do, and look like in order to be successful, and it wasn’t working.
When You don’t see yourself in your life, Change Something!
After the speaker was finished I went up to him privately and thanked him for what he had shared. Then I asked him how he did it, step-by-step. I had looked at my life and saw very little of myself in it so I wanted to know exactly how he had changed his life from fake into real.
1. He said he started small and worked his way up layer by layer in his life. At first, it was his clothes. When he put them on he asked himself if those clothes felt like him. If they didn’t he replaced them.
2. Next, he worked on his home space and physical belongings. If they felt like him he would keep them, everything else was replaced or gotten rid of. Slowly step by step his home transformed.
3. After that, he looked at his career and work choices. Was he following his dreams? Was he being true to himself? If not, then he changed directions or tried something new.
4. Lastly, he examined his relationships, if he felt like he could be fully himself around a person he kept them in his life. If he couldn’t then he moved forward in his life without them.
It was Liberating and I felt Transformed
After hearing all this I knew what I had to do. I was scared to death on a comfort zone level because I wasn’t sure where this would lead in my life but I knew that if I wanted to feel real, transform my life, and truly change then I had to walk this path and start living my life.
And that is just what I did…